September 24, 2019
I give all my engaged couples a straightforward homework assignment. It is called the Date Challenge. Usually, when I meet a couple for the first time, we are a few months to a year out from the wedding. There is excitement in preparing for the big day. They are booking vendors and making plans. Sometimes, it's hard to remember that you're still maintaining a relationship in the present. There is a balance between preparing for a wedding and preparing for marriage. They are not the same thing. For all the beauty of a wedding, it is a one-day event —a big costume party, if you will. But your relationship needs attention as well.
As soon as a proposal occurs, often within hours, the couple becomes event planners. And unless they are professional wedding coordinators, this can become an all-consuming task. There are dates, apps, Excel spreadsheets, color palettes, vendor choices, and so on. While all of this is a necessity. Couples should use this unique season of engagement to work on their relationship in addition to planning their event. So I offer them this challenge:
This suggestion might seem obvious. However, research on relationships suggests that while dating is the initial catalyst for these relationships, once a couple is engaged or married, the concept of dating tends to fade. Therefore, it is crucial to maintain this habit. Dating is what got you together, and it is what will keep you together. You can date five nights a week if you wish, but the goal is to go out at least once a week. Taking longer than seven days to spend quality time together starts to wear on a relationship. Even though you may see each other every day, that does not translate into spending time together. But one of the fundamental reasons that date nights fall to the wayside is the illusion of the everyday. They think, “I see you all the time.” But cutting the lawn, doing dishes, and taking care of family stuff isn’t a date night. Time together can turn into time served. Every couple needs to find time to spend together on a date.
This rule is only applicable to the engaged couple. After the wedding, you can change this to another topic, such as "no parent talk" or "no work talk." This idea speaks directly to the struggle between event planning and relationship. The temptation for every couple is to spend all their time talking about the wedding. Even when the wedding planning gets burdensome, it’s always there. Even though I want to discuss other things, if I know I only have a few minutes to speak with you, the discussion inevitably goes back to the wedding. One night a week, you need to have a conversation that has nothing to do with the wedding. Don’t bring the folder, don’t open the apps. Spend one evening a week talking about your relationship or just having fun.
One of the reasons date night dies is due to Romeo, the guy. Traditionally, date night is the guy thing. It falls to him to ask the girl out. No offense to guys, but the typical guy has 2 or 3 good date ideas. And he has used them by now. So, guys typically keep repeating the same date night idea, or they come up with an amazing phrase: “I'll do whatever you want to do.” Which is the way for creativity to be left on the side. Or the couple together will get into a rut of doing the same thing every week.
To combat this, alternate who plans date night. One week, one partner plans date night; the next week, the other partner is in charge. Now, there are a few sub-rules: a) This is not a group activity, meaning whoever plans the date can’t get help from the other partner. b) The other partner can’t overrule or change the plan.
The final rule is called Ask the Question. This means asking the question, “Will you go out with me?” It's a simple question, but once a couple is together, engaged, living in the same house, or eventually married, this question often gets overlooked. We move into Assumption; I assume you will go out with me. Assumptions are comfortable, but also dangerous. Assumption feels very close to taking someone for granted.
Even though engagement means someone asked the big question, it doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy hearing this question frequently. In fact, “Will you go out with me?” may well be the best question. We love to hear it or ask it. Every romantic comedy is based on this question. We don’t just look at the couple on the screen and assume they will get together; we want to know how. And every couple, no matter how amazing their proposal story or how grand their wedding, still likes to hear this question or ask it regularly.
I encourage every engaged couple to take this challenge in the weeks leading up to their wedding.
Cover Image: Doug Scheetz
Main Image: Photo by Pixabay: https://www.pexels.com/photo/two-people-toasting-flute-glasses-2145/