January 1, 2020
This post was initially written on New Year’s Eve 2019. I typed it out a few months before the onset of COVID, and I now marvel at how some of the things I was hoping for unfolded, given the unprecedented nature of 2020. The sentiments for a better year in 2020 remain the same as every year. As we look back on this season, it's crucial to acknowledge that the future is inherently unpredictable, and that's what makes it so intriguing.
It's 2020! While it may not feel drastically different from 2019 so far, there's an undeniable buzz and excitement about the new year and new decade. A friend once pointed out that technically, the decade ends with zero and the new decade begins with the number one. So, whether you're bidding farewell to the past decade or ushering in the new one, we're at the dawn of an exciting new year.
Now I am not a resolution person. Because I know that "new" doesn’t last, New is exciting and different, but we are all creatures of habit. We eventually shrink back into the patterns we are comfortable with. What most behavioral experts recommend when it comes to change and resolutions is the idea of improvement, not new or different. Looking at what you have been doing and seeing what you can do to improve it. And if you are truly gung-ho on changes, pick small changes and do them consistently as opposed to massive changes all at once. The goal is to create a habit. So, when you try new things and then revert to the old, that “old” becomes a new standard you've established previously. It sounds like I am lost in an Avengers time travel movie.
I’m interested in getting better.
But the focus is better, not different. Truett Cathy, the founder of Chick-fil-A, once said, “I’m not interested in getting bigger. I’m interested in getting better. If we get better, customers will demand we get bigger.” Couples often fall into the trap of wishing their relationship were different. They should instead be looking for better. Assuming that what you have now is good, work for better. The desire for something new often leads to thoughts of a completely new situation (or new partner) instead of working on the relationship you are in. One of my favorite authors and preachers is Andy Stanley. He often points out that you are the common denominator in your past three relationships and your past mistakes. (Check out Andy’s book here.) In reality, what we need isn't a new relationship, but rather an improvement in our existing one. So, make that your goal this year: how can I make my current relationship better? Remember, there's always potential for growth in your current relationships.
1. Go on a date. Yes, this week. If you already do this weekly, you are ahead of the game, and your relationship is already in a good place. If you are waiting to date until your relationship gets better, you have it backwards. Dating is the lab, the workshop for relationships. We date to improve our relationships. Click here to read my blog article on dating.
2. Take a marriage assessment. If you are wondering or worried about the dynamics of your relationship, don’t leave it in your head. Bring some objectivity to the situation and invite another set of eyes to review your relationship. Have someone lead you through an Assessment process like SYMBIS, which is a comprehensive tool designed to help couples understand their unique relationship dynamics, strengths, and growth areas. We do these for married and engaged couples alike. It is not just counseling; it is a reflection of what you already think and feel.
3. Take a weekend getaway. January is the desert between the holidays and Valentine’s Day. Plan a weekend away to rejuvenate and reconnect. The holidays were exhausting, and getting back into the year is often grueling as well. For a great weekend away idea, click here.
4. Taking a cooking class together. Knock out the date and the new one at once. I have done this, and it’s a lot of fun. We laughed, we learned, and we even managed to create a decent dish. Now, my recipes never turned out as well as the night I was in the class, but that’s another story.
5. Read a book as a couple. One of my personal goals in 2020 is to read 20 pages a day. That has more to do with leadership skills and putting the smartphone down. But this is also important for couples. Learning together is not just fantastic, it's intellectually stimulating, and learning about each other together is even better.
6. Do Karaoke night together. The church where I pastor got a fantastic gift a few months ago. A parishioner gave us a Karaoke machine. Now, when they called and said they were bringing it, I had visions of this small machine. But they brought us a complete sound system, monitor, and computerized setup. It was a giant professional machine, ready for a nightclub, and now we had it. While I had my doubts, the first few times we used it at events, it quickly became one of the most popular things we offered. Everyone seems to love it. So find a place that offers karaoke. All it takes is a little bravery and a drink, and you can have an enjoyable evening.
7. Keep your love story alive by rewriting your vows. The wine box, a common feature in our wedding ceremonies, holds letters to each other or even the actual vows. These are precious keepsakes that should be revisited every anniversary. For a unique twist, rewrite your vows based on your current lives. This 'update' process can reveal new aspects of your relationship.
8. Understand your love language. Visit www.5lovelanguages.com to delve into the world of love languages. This knowledge can be a game-changer in your relationship, helping you understand and empathize with your partner's needs and feelings.
9. Go to a museum together. Your town has a museum. If you are close to a large town or city, there may be a few of them. Most people visit them in other towns on trips, but rarely see the stuff 20 minutes from their house. A museum sparks a wide range of new and different conversations. What do you think is art? What is beautiful? What is talent? What do you know or remember from school or study?
10. Be a tourist. Following number 9, see the stuff around you. Because it is always there, we don’t “see” it. Be a tourist for a day in the city closest to you.
11. Reenact your First Date. Or pretend to meet for the first time. Replaying your first date could be fun. Is the place still there? Still open? Or pick a new place and go in like strangers to ask your spouse or fiancé out. Make sure you say yes, and don't let someone else take your chair!
12. Sporting events. Any sporting event, whether with a partner or a group of friends, is a day well spent.
13. Take a dance class. At the wedding reception, there is nothing more central than the first dance of the couple. Watching the couple that prepared for it a little is the only thing that makes it better. Guys, why does she watch Dancing with the Stars? Why is there a new reality show about couples having their first date on the dance floor? Because they like this. Take note.
14. Take a pottery class. Does anyone remember Ghost? Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore?
15. Road Trip. Now that you have finished one over the holidays, plan another that excites you.
16. Go to a local theater. My brother works at a small theater in Atlanta. They are very talented and always put on incredible performances. The biggest challenge for any theater is getting people to come. Don’t let the movies be your only "go to."
17. Take a mental health day. Take a Saturday and do nothing. Do nothing.
18. Get a couple’s massage. A few months ago, an outstanding older member of my congregation gave me a gift card for a massage. She got it for me in May, but I didn't use it until November. And I didn’t think it would be all that exciting. As I went in, I thought, “Who pays for this?” I left wondering, "How can I fit this in my budget?"
19. Fill out a Memory Book.(click here for the one we recommend). There are tons of things we think we will never forget, especially about our partner. But we do. Keeping a memory book is a very cool thing. There are only two people who have lived your story; write it all down. In my position, I do a lot of weddings and funerals. On the funeral side, while often sad, one of the highlights is to hear the love stories of long-married couples. Either the husband or wife recounts the story of how they met, fell in love, and where they got married, etc. It’s always a beautiful story. On the flipside, when someone has forgotten, or the children or grandchildren don’t know it. It’s a true opportunity lost.
20. Progressive Dinner. Get appetizers at one place, dinner at another, and dessert and coffee at the final destination.
Whether you use these or come up with your own ideas, strive to make your relationship better in 2020.
Thumbnail Image: Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Main Image: Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash