September 18, 2019
Are you having small, frequent arguments? Are you struggling to communicate? Is it hard to stay on the same page? It is better to communicate beforehand than to play catch-up. I am a firm believer in the calendar. If a couple decides to share a standard calendar, lots of conversations and questions will take care of themselves. Filling in all work, school, and appointments is a strong start to good communication. But that is just the beginning. The next step is to have a brief check-in conversation at the beginning of the week. You should ask three fundamental and essential questions:
Look at your calendar and just ask about time. What is different this week? When are your days off? Are there any projects or deadlines due? Are there any days when you will be home at a different time? When you ask these questions, you build accountability. Both of you are sharing where you plan to be and what you are supposed to be doing. It is easier to hear about changes, evening meetings or commitments days before they happen. You should also confirm times set aside for dating. A weekly date night is crucial and needs to be included on your calendar. People like to see their names sharing time on their partner's calendars.
When you ask these questions, you build accountability.
The calendar can be specific enough to include mealtimes or family events. They can identify binge-watch nights, big chores, or sporting events, among other things. It helps identify who you are and what you like.
What are the things that need to get done this week? There are the everyday tasks and chores that occur weekly. However, there are also unique aspects that can cause challenges or potential conflict. This is the time to discuss these tasks during check-in. Someone in the relationship might feel there is an inequity or be overwhelmed by all the tasks that need to be accomplished. Ask for help beforehand. Don’t wait for the real-time scenario. Being able to ask for help and receive it is crucial. It creates a sense of teamwork and partnership.
The final question is the most important and the hardest. The question is simple: “Is there anything we need to talk about?” Each person knows that this is an opportunity to address a broader issue. No one is surprised by a hard discussion. This meeting time is the time we have set aside to discuss matters. Usually, there is someone who wants to discuss things and then someone who is trying to avoid it. Having a weekly set time to create margin for a conversation is an essential discipline. It means that issues are actually discussed, and nothing remains unresolved for more than a week.
Use the Three T's this coming weekend to see if it generates better communication.
Cover image: Photo by Leeloo The First: https://www.pexels.com/photo/brown-framed-eyeglasses-on-a-calendar-5386754/
background image: Photo by Suzy Hazelwood: https://www.pexels.com/photo/notebook-1226398/
image in article: Photo by Viktoria Slowikowska: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-man-and-woman-having-conversation-while-sitting-near-the-wooden-table-5332279/