A key element of a traditional Christian wedding is the scripture reading. In a Cathedral or a predominantly Catholic ceremony, there might be several readings. These readings, often taken as a blessing of the event and a charge moving forward, play a significant role in the ceremony. They could be an Old Testament reading, a reading from the Book of Psalms, a New Testament reading, and a Gospel reading. The scripture reading can be meaningful to couples, even if they are not particularly religious. It still holds weight, or at the very least reflects personally held values or the values of their family.
One of the most popular wedding readings is 1 Corinthians 13. If you have been to a wedding, you have probably heard it. It is known as The Love Chapter and begins, “Love is Patient, love is Kind…” It is a classic reading and should be read and recited often. When I get frustrated with anyone close to me, I begin muttering under my breath and shaking my head, “Love is patient, love is kind, it is not rude, it doesn’t keep a record of wrongs…” While it can be a daily prayer and a perfect reading for a wedding, it may be more appropriate for a couple teaming up to assemble a piece of furniture from IKEA or maybe heading to the relatives’ house for Thanksgiving.
In my search for relevant readings, I discovered other options. The Apostle Paul's words in the book of Romans provide a relevant guide on how to relate to others, which can be a blueprint for marriage. In Romans, chapter 12:9-13, Paul's advice is particularly engaging:
Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good; love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor. Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit, serve the Lord. Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in times of trouble and never stop praying. Take care of God's needy people and welcome strangers into your home.
Let’s take a closer look at these words.
1. Let Love be Genuine.
In just a few phrases, Paul uses three different words for love. He first uses the Greek word agape, the highest form of love in the Bible. This love is genuine, meaning it is selfless and sacrificial, putting the other person's needs above your own. When I first meet a couple, I ask them to describe their journey, and I listen for certain elements.
· Time. Genuine love is not a quick infatuation, but a strong, patient process that takes time to develop. It is unfeigned, authentic. In general, I like to see couples together for two or more years before they get married. This patience is a testament to the depth and authenticity of their love.
· Tested. The couple has gone through some trials together.
· Confirmation. Others see real love. The couple sees early love. Others tend to say, “Settle down, it’s only been a few weeks. Let’s see what it is after six months.”
·Unique. Real love feels different than other relationships. This relationship has stood the test of time and has been evaluated through experience. If this relationship feels like all your other relationships, maybe you should pause for a moment.
Real love feels different than other relationships.
2. Hate What is Evil, Hold Fast to What is Good
Good vs. Evil sounds epic, but this speaks to the couple’s values. What is good? What is bad? A couple needs to have clarity on such issues as religion, health, finances/ debt, intimacy, boundaries, relationships with family, and conflict resolution.
3. Love One Another With Mutual Affection.
Paul introduces two more words for love. The first, Philostorgos, signifies tender, close affection. The second, Philadelphos, denotes brotherly or family love—a love that operates as a team with a common goal. This 'mutual affection' is less about 'I' and more about 'we'.
Relationships typically evolve through three stages: Dating, Engagement, and Marriage. The primary objective of most relationships is marriage. The transition from 'I' to 'we' is a key indicator of this progression. Initially, relationships are often described using personal pronouns like 'I' or 'Me'. We often hear statements such as:
· “I like her.”
· “I think he is cute.”
· “I can see myself with this person.”
· “I have never felt this way.”
· “I want to be with him/her.”
That is natural. In the initial stages of a relationship, a chemical called Oxytocin plays a role. Michele Solis explains, “Oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, activates feelings of trust and attraction between people when it is released in the brain, and it rises in the early stages of romantic love.”[1] This is the high romantic love phase, and it lasts for about six months. This person you met is perfect, there are no issues, etc. Eventually, the Oxytocin wears off, and more than just physical attraction or romantic feelings are needed to bind the couple together. The “I” needs to become a “we.” The two need to become “one.” While physical attraction is always important, what needs to begin taking shape is the idea of partnership or mutual love. In the most basic terms, marriage is the union of two individuals. We are in love, sharing affection, and all of that, but we are also joining families, assets, debts, and most importantly, a common life goal. If these bonds do not develop, then the couple usually doesn’t make it.
The “I” needs to become a “we.”
When a couple moves from “I” to “we,” there is a shift. It is no longer “I am going to this school,” or “I am taking this job,” or “I am moving to this state.” Some of the most beautiful stories are when a couple moves because one of them has a great opportunity. They need to realize they are taking this opportunity together. Mutual affection becomes a “we.” It is the recognition that the wedding is not the end of a journey, but the beginning of a life together. Mutual affection does not necessarily mean equal or fair, as seen in relationships between roommates or business partners. Mutual affection is becoming one, a joyous union that brings hope and happiness.
4. Outdo One Another in Showing Honor.
Paul challenges us to outdo each other in honor. Jesus and Paul are fond of “one another” statements, as in love one another, serve one another, submit to one another. This is my favorite line in the reading. Out honor each other. Out love each other. Live a life of service to each other. That is truly a beautiful thing. It can be framed like a game, maybe a daily contest. Who can out love the other person more?
Your daily goal is to out-love and out-honor your spouse.
In addition to officiating weddings, I also do marriage counseling. When engaged couples come in, they are always in a good place, looking forward to the future. When couples come in for marriage counseling, it is a different story. One or both do not want to be there. Though every couple is unique, there is a pattern that all struggling couple gets into. They are playing a different game. They are not trying to out honor each other; instead, it is the “I’ll change if you change” game. Or the “I will keep track of everything you have done” game. Or the family favorite, “It is all your mother’s fault” game. It is a lot easier to learn the Out Love/Out Honor Game during engagement. It is much harder to start it eight years into a marriage.
5. Do Not Lag in Zeal, Be Ardent in Spirit,
Do not lag in zeal, which means don’t let life wear you out. Now, what could wear you out during the engagement season? Engagement itself! Unless you or your partner is a professional event coordinator, most engaged couples are not ready for the 10-15 hours a week it sometimes requires to plan a wedding. Venues, dresses, tuxedos, apps, seating charts, and vendors are all decisions that need to be made, and that does not even address what family and friends want.
Once the wedding is over, things usually get better, right? True, there is some relief that comes from being on the back side of a huge event. But what you may not realize is that the year after a wedding is spent catching up on all that was pushed to the side during the engagement season. Family is still family; work is still work. Life keeps coming. The beauty of the wedding is that you now have each other to help with that. Facing it together is not just doable, it's a source of strength and reassurance.
6. Let Your Hope Make You Glad.
The main idea about hope is that it is a future-oriented word. We can get through the present with the hope of a better tomorrow. A couple with hope is unstoppable. When couples see their relationship as hopeless, it becomes tough to fix. Therefore, maintaining hope is crucial, as it keeps the future bright and the relationship strong.
7. Be Patient in Times of Trouble.
Just getting a couple to the wedding is a testament to the incredible strength and resilience that patience brings. Every aisle is paved with obstacles, and it takes patience to navigate them well. Even past the wedding, there will be challenges. Each of the experiences you face during the wedding process will help you develop the problem-solving skills that are sure to come in handy in your life.
8. Never Stop Praying.
Prayer is not just a concept; it's a transformative tool for your marriage. Even if you are not particularly religious, prayer can be a powerful force in your relationship. Counselors and researchers suggest that prayer has positive benefits. One study examines the role of prayer in helping couples, even introducing prayer as a significant counseling tool. [2] Counselors recognize that it is hard to argue with your spouse if you are, at the same time, praying for them. Prayer helps people regain perspective, shifting the focus from themselves back to the relationship. It also helps calm people or the situation. Through prayer, they can continue the discussion in a way without actually talking to each other. Prayer can remind us to continue certain behaviors or stop others. Simply put, prayer is a beacon of hope for a relationship.
Take Care of God's Needy People and Welcome Strangers into Your Home.
One of the hallmarks of today’s generation is the idea of meaning. That is living with purpose. People are no longer looking just for jobs. They want their work to make a difference, to have purpose. This translates to marriage as well. Does your marriage have a purpose? It cannot just be about you, as we discussed above, and it is not even just about the couple. What are you doing as a couple for other people? Volunteer together at your local church or nonprofit. Your day-to-day problems grow very small when you are working on a Habitat for Humanity house or serving meals at the Salvation Army. Your budget should include a portion for giving or charity. Making a difference might make the difference in your marriage, and it will certainly bring you joy and fulfillment.
These are all significant concepts, so take them one at a time, with the spirit of building something that will last. You can use this blueprint and get to work.
[1] Michele Solis, "Oxytocin, the love hormone, also keeps people apart," Scientific American (2013),https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/oxytocin-love-hormone-keeps-people-apart/#:~:text=Oxytocin%2C%20the%20so%2Dcalled%20love,early%20stages%20of%20romantic%20love.
[2] S. R. Beach et al., "Prayer and marital intervention: A conceptual framework," Journal of Social Clinical Psychology 27, no. 7 (September 2008): 641-69.
Main Image: Photo by Alena Darmel