January 24, 2020
One of the most classic wedding images is the idea of a wedding ceremony in a church, chapel, or cathedral. When someone gets engaged or talks of marriage, people start singing “Going to the Chapel of Love” by the Dixie Cups. But where, when, and how did this idea catch on? Have weddings always been a church thing? A religious thing? Is the choice to have your ceremony outside of the church just a recent or modern trend?
Judeo-Christian traditions trace the idea of marriage back to Genesis, the first book of the Bible. Marriage in ancient times had little to do with romance. It was a family arrangement or agreement. There were stipulations, conditions, and a bridal price. Couples were arranged to be married in early youth. Most marriages were agreements within the tribe or village or, at most, close neighboring clans. For the Hebrews, marrying Gentiles (non-Jewish) people was frowned upon.
The parents (mostly the father) arranged the marriage. The bride offered her opinion, but it was not a decisive factor in the marriage arrangement. The marriage of a son was a higher priority than the marriage of a daughter. Receiving the dowry or “mohar” (the price paid by the father of the groom to the father of the bride) was the focus.
The new couple typically did not start a new home or build a house for themselves; instead, they occupied a space in the groom’s family house. While we say this today in terms of families being joined together, the family of the groom literally 'gained a daughter.' The bride's family lost a valuable person who helped with household tasks. The bride's value was not just a financial transaction, but a reflection of her importance in the family. It was expected, therefore, that the father of the groom should pay the father of the bride the equivalent of her value as a valuable member of the family. Over time, the mohar custom changed into the idea of a gift from the father to his daughter. A father who kept the mohar for himself was considered greedy.
Until the Middle Ages, a Jewish marriage was a profound journey marked by two significant ceremonies, each with its own unique celebration. The first, the betrothal, was a moment of legal union, a binding contract that held the couple together in a sacred bond, even though the bride remained in her father’s house. This was a period of anticipation, where the bride could not belong to another man unless divorced from her betrothed. The wedding, which followed later, was a joyous occasion where the betrothed woman, accompanied by a festive procession, was escorted from her parents’ house to the house of her groom, and the relationship was consummated.
When we look at the Christmas story of Jesus in the Gospels of Matthew and Luke, this was the cultural situation being described. Joseph and Mary were betrothed or legally married. But they had not yet had their wedding. Mary was found to be pregnant with Jesus. Joseph’s initial thought was that Mary had been unfaithful, and he sought to divorce her (or put her away quietly). In other words, Joseph wanted to end the betrothal. It took an angel, who appeared to Joseph in a dream, to convince Joseph that Mary's pregnancy was a result of divine intervention and that he should continue his marriage with Mary.
But within all of this, marriage was not just a union of two individuals, but a coming together of two families. Weddings were held at the groom’s home or the bride’s home, a decision that was made based on who was capable of hosting the celebration. The chuppah that we see at modern Jewish ceremonies is symbolic of the bride’s house or quarters, a reminder of the family she is leaving and the new one she is joining. It would still be many centuries before we begin seeing ceremonies in synagogues. The eventual move towards having the ceremony in the synagogue was to avoid the potential awkwardness of a home not being able to host a ceremony, a testament to the importance of community in Jewish life.
The involvement of the Christian church in marriage, a process that unfolded gradually over time, is a fascinating aspect of religious history. Christianity, born and formed (30 AD-200 AD) in the context of the Roman Empire and with Judaism in its roots, initially had little to do with the institution of marriage. While Jesus, Paul, and other New Testament writers provided guidance on marriage, there was no biblical tradition tying weddings to church ceremonies. Marriage remained a private and communal affair, primarily a family issue rather than an institution.
At the Council of Carthage in 398 A.D., there was an assumption of a priestly prayer or benediction of the wedding ceremony. Early Church Fathers Ignatius and Polycarp urged a blessing from parents and clergy over a pending marriage. This is the first sign of any church ceremonial influence. But there was little else for many centuries. The early church was mostly negative on marriage—celibacy was preferred, even praised. Marriage was seen as something outside of the church for the first millennium.
In the Middle Ages, the only thing that held more power than the parents were the feudal lords in Europe. The parents would have to ask a lord for permission for their children to marry. Click here for more.
As Western Europe and the Roman Empire continued to be Christianized, the church's influence extended to all aspects of life. The church's reach eventually encompassed everything from finances to politics to family. This influence led to the eventual involvement of the state and the church in relationships, and marriage became a combination of family traditions, church, and state.
In the year 1164, the church established marriage as a sacrament. Once this happened, the involvement of the clergy mushroomed. At this point, the relationship and communication moved from the parents to the couple themselves. The Church taught extensively on sacraments such as baptism and communion before partaking, and this now evolved into weddings as well. Marriage became a cultural and religious initiation rite. The emphasis was on the nature and meaning of the rite of the wedding ceremony, but little was said of the relationship itself. The idea of a Christian marriage was important, that faith should be practiced in the home. And the acting out of the religious ceremony was seen as necessary.
Once the wedding was seen as a sacrament, the ceremony began to move into the church. At first, a priest would preside over the ceremony at the home with witnesses looking on. The priest's role was to bless the union and ensure its sanctity. Then, the ceremony would be held near a church building away from the house. Eventually, the ceremony would include the wedding party coming to the steps and door of the church, and the clergy would come out and pronounce a blessing. Finally, the ceremony was performed in the sanctuary of the church. This slow progression culminated in the ceremony taking place within the church building. By the twelfth century, the church wedding was fully established inside the church, with the priest pronouncing blessings.
From the Middle Ages until the 20th Century, the Church or Synagogue was the primary place for weddings in Europe and North America. However, the United States has a strong tradition against having a church wedding, a tradition that can be traced back to the Pilgrims, Thanksgiving, and Plymouth Rock. The Pilgrims believed that weddings were personal and civic and should have nothing to do with a church. This belief empowers you to hold your faith and have a wedding wherever you want, whether it's in a church, outdoors, or anywhere in between.
The modern movement away from houses of worship can be coupled with the slow cultural movement away from religion. It perhaps represents a movement back to the roots of wedding ceremonies, which are about the couple and their families, and the founding ideas in the United States. Personally, it has always been more important to me that I guide couples through a meaningful process. Whether it is at a church, a barn, a sports arena, or a beach, the flexibility of choosing the venue allows for a more open-minded approach to the ceremony. Being ready for marriage far outweighs where the ceremony is held.
(Photo credits Image by Sus4n from Pixabay)
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Thumbnail Image: Photo by Lucas T on Unsplash
Main Image: Photo by Birmingham Museums Trust on Unsplash
The Marriage of Editha with Sigtrygg, King of Northumbria, 1909, Ford Madox Brown